So what have I been doing with all my time? Outside of work, just because I don't really want to quit, I watch a lot of senseless television and/or surf the internet. I have found it hard to spend time with God and reading my Bible. I'm not angry with God nor have I lost faith or hope. I just struggled with quiet time. I find it hard to let my mind be quiet. Therefore, I sought "comfort" in television and the internet. Mindless junk that is bountiful and readily accessible.
Back up a few weeks, I was not eating very well, hardly sleeping at all and not active outside of going to work. I started to get sick (ended up with a sinus infection) so I went to my doctor. I finally told her that I hadn't been sleeping and she prescribed me a sleeping aid. I really didn't want a sleep aid so I tried to withhold my problem but I knew it was better that I did. She gave me instructions and I go back to visit her next week. The sleep aid was fantastic! I have never struggled with sleeping. I am a very deep sleeper and after dad passed I couldn't sleep. Even when I was "asleep" I was thinking and I was telling myself "I am not getting rest even though I'm sleeping." It was strange and it made me very tired. The sleep aid worked like a charm and I started to get strength back as well as putting my emotions back together.
I started doing my devotions again and I've been reading in Psalms. It is amazing what scripture can do to change your heart and guide you - even just a chapter a day. After dinner I sat down to watch some mindless television and I searched the channels but desired more to open God's Word and just share with Him my heart. I started to think about how people seek comfort from many sources and not always God. I don't think I was using television to seek comfort but to keep up the noise. If that makes any sense at all. I was thankful that God has protected me and people have been praying for me and that I haven't sought comfort from any other source but God. I think seeking comfort and seeking distraction are two different things.
I started to think about how we lie to ourselves when we seek comfort and distraction from any source other then God. Their satisfaction and fulfillment are temporal and do not bring joy. Though watching mindless television did bring distraction for a short amount of time, the feelings and challenges were waiting just around the corner. Most of the time they were more difficult then before because all I've done is prolonged the feelings and/or responsibilities.
Psalm 40:1-8
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
He hears my cries and He has/will answer them. He has/will bring me out of the pit and plant me firmly on the ground so that I do not fall. Then He fills my heart and my mouth with praise and worship. This will be a testimony for others to see and come to believe. I must trust in Him and keep the faith, not seeking comfort from empty sources. Humble myself and know that only He can truly satisfy.
He has blessed me in so many ways, so many ways that I can not count them. He does not seek my sacrifice but my obedience. So here I am Lord in all my iniquities and weakness, I desire to do your will and keep Your law that you have placed in my heart.
Psalm 90:12 says:
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
I have learned, and I hope it is written on my heart, that time is short and precious. I miss dad terribly, more then words can express, but I am so thankful that I had the time I had with him and the opportunity to treasure it.
So typing this had been hard and I couldn't hold back the tears. But I am so thankful that I could finally bring myself to do it. Thank you for all your prayers and support. I know that God has given me more grace then I deserve - but that is why it is called grace. Never underestimate how much God loves you.
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