Regaining Hope and Setting Direction

I can not believe that it is already July 2008. I can't believe a year has gone by since I started this blog. I really can't believe all that has transpired in my life since. My last blog was in April and I have had good days and bad days since then.

My life is a whirlwind of emotion and I am trying to find a new direction for my life. Last year was so very hectic for me. I had piano, small group, AWANA, Sunday School, household activities, family activities, friends, work and taking care of Dad. I don't know how I managed it all. I can certainly see how God sustained me because it took superhuman endurance to maintain my schedule and commitments.

I am sad to say that I am beginning to realize that during all that time I have overlooked one person. Next to the Lord, he is the most important person in my life. Sean. I have failed him as a wife and I am seeking God's help to mend this and become the wife God wants me to be. I was trying to be everything to everyone and didn't do a bad job - except with Sean. I completely failed. Please pray for me to reorganize my life and my time in order to prioritize according to God's will.

I have been struggling the past couple months and trying to come to terms with life after Dad. I dropped everything after the funeral, except work. Work has become intolerable for me. I will admit that we are facing some challenges that would be a great struggle even in the best of times but under the circumstances I just couldn't bear it any longer. I recalled hearing somewhere over the years not to make huge life changing decisions during times of grief. Therefore, I chose not to quit but rather ask my bosses for a more flexible summer schedule and cut back up-to 20 hours a week. I plan to work as many as needed to get the job done but it takes a huge burden off my shoulders to know I have the flexibility to leave if I need. I also struggle with setting boundaries and I pick up burdens that weren't meant for me. This gives me more direction because I don't have time to pick up the burdens of others. I have to be more focused to get my tasks complete. Last week was the best week I've had in a long time and I felt so productive.

So what am I doing with that extra time? Well I am trying to be a better wife. =) I am trying to keep the fridge stocked with healthier food and plan healthier meals in advance. Now that I am home by 4 or 4:30 I am able to prepare dinner and Sean and I have been having dinner together. It is such a blessing!

I have also started talking with a biblical counselor to help me understand my grief. I over-analyze everything and I was having a difficult time holding on to hope and moving forward. She has been wonderful in helping me re-focus and examine why I feel the way I do. Even though I do not regret my time caring for Dad, in the last six months in any way and actually consider it a blessing, it was very difficult to do and to do alone. I had help from time to time but I was mostly alone. Except God of course. He is the only reason I was able to do what I did. He did it through me. It really helps to hear her say it is ok to grieve and it is natural. More importantly, she is helping me to see that God is in it all and to see Him outside of my grief.

There is another thing giving me hope these days that has only transpired in the past few weeks and has my stomach in knots. If you want to read more about this then you'll need to visit my blog on infertility. Sean and I are considering going forward with IVF but are examining the financial aspects and I am praying for God's wisdom. Please pray for us.

I miss Dad but every day is getting easier. For a long time I really wanted my old life back. Now, I want to move forward and see what God has in store for me. There are many things that I am hoping for but I still want God's will more then my own. Even though there have been a few days I was done. I was tired of being longsuffering, patient, sacrificial, and heavy-burdened. I'm so thankful our Heavenly Father knows our struggles. He wants us to share that with Him and He wants us to pour our hearts out to Him. I am thankful He knows my weaknesses and that He loves me.