Refreshing

I am so excited that autumn is quickly approaching. I love this time of the year when the hot days are a thing of the past and the days are now mild and the evenings are cool. Today was a perfect example of the type of weather I just love. (Don't forget storms!) The high was about 64 degrees Fahrenheit and rainy. The air is cool and refreshing. I love the smell of rain and the sound it makes hitting things as it falls from the sky. I love to wear jeans, tennis shoes, soft cotton shirts with a sweater or cardigan. Thank you Lord for the varying types of weather and the changing of the seasons.

The day didn't start out refreshing. When I arrived at work I had received an email from Amy, our Office Manager. She was resigning. I was prepared but it didn't really seem to lessen the emotions that were beginning to amass within me. For the most, I could sum them up in two ways, I was both sad and glad.

I could spend hours telling you why I am sad to see Amy leave. She is simply one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I am so blessed that God has brought her into my life and has allowed our paths to cross. She has been a rock in my life especially during the difficult time of caring for and then eventually the loss of my dad. She has taught me how to laugh at myself and with her, you can pretty much say anything - anything. Thank you Amy for being a faithful friend. You leave a void that is impossible to fulfill and you are already dearly missed.

Why am I glad? I am glad because I know this is God's will for Amy, the company and indirectly me. I am being reminded of something God taught me years ago, He never leaves us in one place forever. Being a part of God's will means we move and we change. Life changes. We are getting an opportunity to witness God's will being fulfilled and seeing how He continues to provide for Amy and her family. Praise God! I am not really sure yet how this fits into God's will at the office but I trust that it does. He wouldn't call Amy elsewhere without a purpose that works for all directly and indirectly involved. Romans 8:28 states,

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

One of the feelings that this has stirred within me has been the desire to see resolution in some areas of my life. There are several things in my life that I feel God has placed on my plate to challenge me, mold me, and to bring glory to Him. I have spent the evening in my favorite spot with instrumental worship music in the background, a wood wick candle burning that makes a crackling noise, listening to the rain and reading. I have read many things that have ministered to my heart and now I am refreshed. His promises are true and even when we don't feel it, need to trust it. Our feelings will deceive us and they will drive us the wrong direction if we let them. Trust in God's truth and He will lead us down the right path.

Sometimes the challenges in my life seem more then I can bear. I love these verses that my friend Jill shared with me the other day.

"We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed..." 2 Corinthians 4:8 -9

Have you ever stopped to think that the afflictions you are experiencing are for the very purpose God has for you? Do you often as God to deliver you from your afflictions? I do. I'm not saying that we shouldn't ask for deliverance. He wants us to ask. However, sometimes maybe the very affliction is the purpose. Maybe the challenges I have at work are simply only to mold me and to change my heart to be more like Christ.

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour." John 12:27

Tonight my heart is refreshed and I am ready to begin thinking about a new life at work without Amy. It is still sad and it will take me some time to adjust. However, my feelings of my heart have finally caught up with the truth that was in my head.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Regaining Hope and Setting Direction

I can not believe that it is already July 2008. I can't believe a year has gone by since I started this blog. I really can't believe all that has transpired in my life since. My last blog was in April and I have had good days and bad days since then.

My life is a whirlwind of emotion and I am trying to find a new direction for my life. Last year was so very hectic for me. I had piano, small group, AWANA, Sunday School, household activities, family activities, friends, work and taking care of Dad. I don't know how I managed it all. I can certainly see how God sustained me because it took superhuman endurance to maintain my schedule and commitments.

I am sad to say that I am beginning to realize that during all that time I have overlooked one person. Next to the Lord, he is the most important person in my life. Sean. I have failed him as a wife and I am seeking God's help to mend this and become the wife God wants me to be. I was trying to be everything to everyone and didn't do a bad job - except with Sean. I completely failed. Please pray for me to reorganize my life and my time in order to prioritize according to God's will.

I have been struggling the past couple months and trying to come to terms with life after Dad. I dropped everything after the funeral, except work. Work has become intolerable for me. I will admit that we are facing some challenges that would be a great struggle even in the best of times but under the circumstances I just couldn't bear it any longer. I recalled hearing somewhere over the years not to make huge life changing decisions during times of grief. Therefore, I chose not to quit but rather ask my bosses for a more flexible summer schedule and cut back up-to 20 hours a week. I plan to work as many as needed to get the job done but it takes a huge burden off my shoulders to know I have the flexibility to leave if I need. I also struggle with setting boundaries and I pick up burdens that weren't meant for me. This gives me more direction because I don't have time to pick up the burdens of others. I have to be more focused to get my tasks complete. Last week was the best week I've had in a long time and I felt so productive.

So what am I doing with that extra time? Well I am trying to be a better wife. =) I am trying to keep the fridge stocked with healthier food and plan healthier meals in advance. Now that I am home by 4 or 4:30 I am able to prepare dinner and Sean and I have been having dinner together. It is such a blessing!

I have also started talking with a biblical counselor to help me understand my grief. I over-analyze everything and I was having a difficult time holding on to hope and moving forward. She has been wonderful in helping me re-focus and examine why I feel the way I do. Even though I do not regret my time caring for Dad, in the last six months in any way and actually consider it a blessing, it was very difficult to do and to do alone. I had help from time to time but I was mostly alone. Except God of course. He is the only reason I was able to do what I did. He did it through me. It really helps to hear her say it is ok to grieve and it is natural. More importantly, she is helping me to see that God is in it all and to see Him outside of my grief.

There is another thing giving me hope these days that has only transpired in the past few weeks and has my stomach in knots. If you want to read more about this then you'll need to visit my blog on infertility. Sean and I are considering going forward with IVF but are examining the financial aspects and I am praying for God's wisdom. Please pray for us.

I miss Dad but every day is getting easier. For a long time I really wanted my old life back. Now, I want to move forward and see what God has in store for me. There are many things that I am hoping for but I still want God's will more then my own. Even though there have been a few days I was done. I was tired of being longsuffering, patient, sacrificial, and heavy-burdened. I'm so thankful our Heavenly Father knows our struggles. He wants us to share that with Him and He wants us to pour our hearts out to Him. I am thankful He knows my weaknesses and that He loves me.

Replant and Flourish

Today was a really nice day for me. The weather was fantastic, and my friend Amy gave me a birthday present. She had promised me some quality time and planting some herbs. Over the years I have desired to become more of a green thumb. I'm green alright but more in my lack of knowledge then ability. =) We headed to the store to purchase pots, seeds and soil. I had also bought some pots in order to re-pot some plants I received when dad passed. It had been really nice to received plants instead of flowers because flowers just usually die. (I also received a lovely potted flower from my friends the Drent's for my birthday so I replanted that too.)

I had some plants that seemed to be doing really nicely and some that were dying. I was watering them all on the same days and about the same amount. I realized that some of them had dry soil, some moist and one was totally soaked. I learned tonight a great deal about the importance of proper pots, drainage and the best spots to receive sunlight. I think my mother-in-law would be proud. =) There were some things Amy was unsure about but I have taken pictures and she recommended that I take them to the local greenhouse and ask what is the best way to tend to them.



Tonight I have been thinking about my life and thinking about a title we once had at a mother-daughter banquet - "Grow where you're planted." I was struggling to accept this place God had planted me. I was fighting it and just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I now see God has "replanted" and pruned me so that I might flourish and grow to be even lovelier and fuller then before. We, like plants, need to be fed, well drained (I'm thinking about my emotions and how I need to be able to release them and accept them), pruned and replanted in order to be all that God has intended for us to be.

I Corinthians 7:17-24

17 Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.

18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised.

19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. 20Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him.

21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so.

22 For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ's slave.

23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men.

24 Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

We need to see that our current place in life or our circumstances are where God has planted us. He custom made my yoke and helps me to carry it.

Two of my favorite quotes from Linda Dillow are "Contentment is a state of the heart not a state of affairs" and "Soul Sufficiency is a peace separate from our circumstances." I miss dad dearly and I'm going to grieve, God created us to grieve, but this shouldn't determine my heart and steal my joy. I have confidence that God is there, that He sustains me and through that I have joy and peace regardless of my circumstances. This is a peace and joy that the world can not understand. I pray that others will see this in me so that I may be a light to the world and others will come to know Christ's love.

Tonight Amy and I replanted, pruned, watered and placed them all in special places. Now I have many lovely plants that I am praying will flourish and grow to be beautiful. This truly was one of the best days I have had in months. Thank you Amy!

Moving Forward - Slowly

I have struggled, since loosing dad, to interact with others outside of work. I haven't felt like writing or responding to any emails. I love getting emails but I find it hard to reply. That is so unlike me. In fact, I have found many things to be outside of my "normal" behavior or personality. I was finding it hard to follow-through with my commitments. Such as AWANA, teaching Sunday School, piano lessons - just to name a few. I decided it was better to opt out of those commitments rather then canceling all the time.

So what have I been doing with all my time? Outside of work, just because I don't really want to quit, I watch a lot of senseless television and/or surf the internet. I have found it hard to spend time with God and reading my Bible. I'm not angry with God nor have I lost faith or hope. I just struggled with quiet time. I find it hard to let my mind be quiet. Therefore, I sought "comfort" in television and the internet. Mindless junk that is bountiful and readily accessible.

Back up a few weeks, I was not eating very well, hardly sleeping at all and not active outside of going to work. I started to get sick (ended up with a sinus infection) so I went to my doctor. I finally told her that I hadn't been sleeping and she prescribed me a sleeping aid. I really didn't want a sleep aid so I tried to withhold my problem but I knew it was better that I did. She gave me instructions and I go back to visit her next week. The sleep aid was fantastic! I have never struggled with sleeping. I am a very deep sleeper and after dad passed I couldn't sleep. Even when I was "asleep" I was thinking and I was telling myself "I am not getting rest even though I'm sleeping." It was strange and it made me very tired. The sleep aid worked like a charm and I started to get strength back as well as putting my emotions back together.

I started doing my devotions again and I've been reading in Psalms. It is amazing what scripture can do to change your heart and guide you - even just a chapter a day. After dinner I sat down to watch some mindless television and I searched the channels but desired more to open God's Word and just share with Him my heart. I started to think about how people seek comfort from many sources and not always God. I don't think I was using television to seek comfort but to keep up the noise. If that makes any sense at all. I was thankful that God has protected me and people have been praying for me and that I haven't sought comfort from any other source but God. I think seeking comfort and seeking distraction are two different things.

I started to think about how we lie to ourselves when we seek comfort and distraction from any source other then God. Their satisfaction and fulfillment are temporal and do not bring joy. Though watching mindless television did bring distraction for a short amount of time, the feelings and challenges were waiting just around the corner. Most of the time they were more difficult then before because all I've done is prolonged the feelings and/or responsibilities.

Psalm 40:1-8

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

He hears my cries and He has/will answer them. He has/will bring me out of the pit and plant me firmly on the ground so that I do not fall. Then He fills my heart and my mouth with praise and worship. This will be a testimony for others to see and come to believe. I must trust in Him and keep the faith, not seeking comfort from empty sources. Humble myself and know that only He can truly satisfy.

He has blessed me in so many ways, so many ways that I can not count them. He does not seek my sacrifice but my obedience. So here I am Lord in all my iniquities and weakness, I desire to do your will and keep Your law that you have placed in my heart.

Psalm 90:12 says:

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

I have learned, and I hope it is written on my heart, that time is short and precious. I miss dad terribly, more then words can express, but I am so thankful that I had the time I had with him and the opportunity to treasure it.

So typing this had been hard and I couldn't hold back the tears. But I am so thankful that I could finally bring myself to do it. Thank you for all your prayers and support. I know that God has given me more grace then I deserve - but that is why it is called grace. Never underestimate how much God loves you.

My Dad

Thank you to all of you that have prayed for us over the past several months. I am sorry to say that Dad passed away on February 21, 2008. I am so thankful I had the past few months with him but I miss him so much. I wanted to post the words I shared at the funeral. It was a bittersweet day. I knew dad was with his Heavenly Father and in no more pain, but I wanted him there with me.

Becky and I would like to thank you all for coming today to celebrate the life of our Dad.

Two weeks ago, as I was leaving Dad’s room in the ICU, I told him I loved him as I prepared to leave. He said “I love you too. If anyone does, I do.”

The past six months have been bittersweet for us. We have had to come to the realization of how sick our dad was. However, we also had the opportunity to savor each moment and not take time for granted. This was a miracle given to us by God.

During this time I learned a great deal about dad. I was able to see many similarities in him, me and Becky. Becky has his strong, quiet strength and I have his need to plan, organize and execute. In other words, to be in control. He was a man of few words (I’m sure many of you wish I had inherited this trait) but don’t mistake that for ignorance. “Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.” Proverbs 10:14

He would always tell me and Becky not to get in a hurry to grow up. Well, he wasted his breathe on me because I have never felt young. However, I believe he lived out part of his childhood vicariously through us. He gave us robots, go carts, remote control boats and cars, we went fishing, put together model cars and he introduced us to the Atari. We vividly remember the remote control boat. He lived on the shores of Olathe Lake and he couldn’t wait for us to put it in the water. I wouldn’t have changed any of it.

He wasn’t perfect and neither are we. But he loved his girls and we loved him. Love overlooks the bad and only sees the good, it never judges and it never quits.

Becky and I take comfort in the fact that this isn’t goodbye. One day we will see him again in Heaven. We will miss him and we will miss what might have been, but we have had 28 and 31 years to call him Dad.

We love you dad. If anyone does, we do.